I am here for you. I understand.

January 13, 2017

It is important to write down what you've spoken about in therapy because you want to be able to reflect on the reactions you've given, the events that trigger, and the preventive measures.
I made a lot of trips to this cafe because it was near the hospital, it was quiet and it certainly had really good cinnamon buns (plus they were huge!). I often take the time to write and reflect on my therapy sessions, and this is where I do it before I forget. During these important moments, I thought long and hard about what it would feel like to be able to stand on my own two feet again. I also thought about what I would do then, and what would be the best option forward for my mental health.

A lot of people are under the assumption that when you get hospitalised for a mental illness, they fix you and you're all better. They think that you go in, you get heavily medicated, you receive the tools you need to be normal again, and then you leave. You leave as a normal functioning person. You leave fixed. You leave with a smile on your face, ready to take on anything. You are happy.

If you do know of anyone like that, please refer him/her to me because I want whatever they're on!

Here I am to bring you the awful truth - you don't come out fixed
You certainly don't come out the same person you went in. 
But you are not fixed. 
You don't come out feeling normal nor happy.
You don't come out like nothing happened.
Your world changed. Your whole world fell apart.
You don't get to come out normal.
Scientifically, your mental state has had permanent physical changes.

Everyone including myself expected to go in, and the medical doctors, therapists and psychologists will make everything better. Take a step back and see how absurd that sounds. 

What on the outside world has changed? Every factor that has contributed to my mental state is still out there. The world hasn't stopped spinning just because I got help and I have been put in a bubble of safety for the past several weeks, while I pop xanax(s) and not give a damn about the world.

The most difficult part is when you've been absent for a period of time, and now you have to go out and face the world. Face everyone. Face the questions.

Do you tell the truth about where you've been? Why you've been away? Would people understand or would they think you're just batshit crazy? 

Mental illnesses makes you feel incredibly isolated. In fact, the effects of it is so severe that even you wouldn't want to be around your own company. 

Well, I am here to tell you that you are not alone. You are far from alone. There are so many of us who suffer in silence. All it takes is just one of us to speak up, and we would realise that we are much more connected than we know.

You think just like I do.
You know how I feel.
You understand.
Let's talk about it.

I am here for you,
Rachel W.

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