To not be bothered and to not react irrationally.
To not stoop to their level and inflict pain back onto others.
Let karma work its way. It may take time, but it will work its way.
Most importantly, to rise above and show that you are much better than they think you are.

Obviously, much harder said than done.
I need to remind myself why i need to do this.
Why it will benefit me overall in the future.
Revoke people of their chance to say anything bad once i prove myself.


I started a journal. To note the things that make me happy and the things that make me unhappy.
Even the littlest thing that made me smile. We often tend to overlook the little things. Not this time, not me. I intend to pay attention to the details and for once, actually stop to smell the roses.

Noting down the unhappy things as a form of release.
Once i'm done writing it down, that's it. Never to be thought of again. It's in the past.

The happy thoughts on the other hand, i can relieve again and again whenever i'm feeling down.
Reread the moments, recall them and smile about it.

It needn't be a detailed description. Just something simple like, "I enjoy making people laugh".
Something i only discovered a few days ago. When i'm with my friends, i like to put in the effort to think of something witty to say. It honestly feels effortless when i'm talking to people i'm comfortable with. But i'm pretty sure somewhere, my mind scrambled around for something humorous to say.

Strangely, thinking back, i can't quite recall what I said. But remembering the moment that I said something that made us all laugh. Remembering the happy faces. It makes me happy.

It can be lame, it can be a stupid joke, it might not even make any sense, but it makes people laugh in a good way. That makes me genuinely happy. Knowing the right words to say, being able to connect to the right frequency and generating joy. I'm not sure if you understand it from my point of view - or it might come off as me being a rather strange individual - it's what I know i enjoy doing.

Think about it. What makes you happy? What made you happy today? Having a conversation with a sibling? Having a meal? Taking a stroll in the park while enjoying the landscape?

I have been losing my cool more often than i should have - this is an understatement. Somewhere along the way, I snapped and became this emotional crazy bitch and I let my worst thoughts get the better of me. I let my fears overwhelm me. I let my insecurities take over my positive thoughts. I was clouded with suspicions and negativity.

Maybe it showed. Maybe i appeared to be a more unfriendly person during this course of time.

I hated the person i became. I hated that I allowed my fears to stop me from doing a lot of things. I hated that I was so afraid that I couldn't be rational. That I couldn't see that I actually had nothing to be afraid of, and these mere thoughts of "possibly" losing something might not even happen. I had lost hope.


I regret my emotional outbursts. I tend to do stupid things to aggravate situations. I create problems that weren't even there to begin with but were all in my head. I write my problems in public without being discrete about who i'm talking about. Without thinking that all the things I write about would backfire upon me.

"Why the hell did I do that? Was it necessary? Why was I so stupid? Why did I allow my emotions to get the better of me? What was my brain doing in the midst of all this???"

Do you ever just stop to reflect upon the things you've done in the past and think...




I'm not saying that I've grown all wise and won't make stupid, impulsive decisions in the future because chances are I will when my emotions get the better of me. I'm saying that when i'm rational, i can admit that I was stupid and wrong. I regret my actions. I'm sorry and I learn better the hard way. One thing I know for sure is that I would never ever repeat the same mistakes again.


What I need to learn now is 'How to control the crazy'.

Instead of feeling unhappy and keeping it all in, putting up with a ton of shit which eventually leads to emotional explosions OR complain about things that make me unhappy on the spot, to learn to see things from a different point of view. I've grown in such a way that I've gotten used to a restricted view.

Fuck. It's gonna be hard. As much as I wish i could just transform overnight and be a better person, it's gonna take time. It's gonna take maybe several more emotional outbursts. Fuck i'm gonna create more events which leads to regret. Fucking hell.



I know some people already think I'm crazy drama and shiz. I won't deny it. I would think i'm crazy ass drama as well. And you can talk. You can talk about the things I've done in the past, the person I was, the shit i've done.

But I don't live there anymore. May it be just last week, a few days ago or even a few hours ago. I don't live there anymore. What's done is done. I can't change it. I can regret and wish I never did those things but it's done. It happened. I screwed up.

The best and only way to go about this, is just to prove to be a better person by showing it through controlling my crazy. To prove over time that I can and will stop because it is good for me.