How much anxiety can one take?

February 28, 2017

When you have a public blog that is accessible to everyone and anyone, there's always this pullback in my head between how honest I should be against how much do I relate to other human beings.

Being completely honest on my worst days would probably involve everything negative I could possibly think about. Guaranteed doom and gloom. My anxiety is telling me I've screwed up, while my depression tells me to just give up because what is the point.

See, I don't think people are entirely keen on reading or knowing about people's business so much especially if it doesn't benefit them. Rather than filling their heads with you doom and gloom, they would much prefer to read of success stories of how you pulled yourself out of it. Everyone wants to hail a hero.

I'm sorry but today I am filled with so much self doubt, I've drawn the curtains and stayed in the dark hoping for the day and the negative thoughts to pass. Sleep ought to help the time go faster.

I wish I understood why there are mornings when I wake up and I just feel debilitated. My medications are maintained and stable. Should I be waking up feeling unable to do things, and afraid of seeing people?

I am certain that there are better days. I've had better days and I've had horrible days. So, I know that this feeling of being at the bottom of a pit will pass. If you're at your lowest, there is only one way left to go and that is UP.

My first month back at work may have come on too strongly on me. I undertook an intense week of programming and I can definitely feel the stress and exhaustion weighing on my mind. I'm trying to cope with it, though the one thought that keeps replaying in my head is: "I need to ensure that I've benefitted from this course and I should be fluent in Python now that the course has ended. I need to study more so I know what I'm doing!"

I'm worried about being stressed and stressed by being worried. And i'm tired because my mind isn't used to so much information and thinking. 

Well, here's what anxiety feels like: a bunch of worries spiralling out of control.

To end my writing today, I leave you with a figure which I found very intriguing. Often we don't realise how much patience and time we are willing to put into an interest. This amount of time and effort is rewarded with improvement in skill level. If we do the things we love, we spend more time, we're better at it, and we'd be satisfied.

Rachel W.

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