A Step Forward

July 25, 2013

I have been losing my cool more often than i should have - this is an understatement. Somewhere along the way, I snapped and became this emotional crazy bitch and I let my worst thoughts get the better of me. I let my fears overwhelm me. I let my insecurities take over my positive thoughts. I was clouded with suspicions and negativity.

Maybe it showed. Maybe i appeared to be a more unfriendly person during this course of time.

I hated the person i became. I hated that I allowed my fears to stop me from doing a lot of things. I hated that I was so afraid that I couldn't be rational. That I couldn't see that I actually had nothing to be afraid of, and these mere thoughts of "possibly" losing something might not even happen. I had lost hope.

***

I regret my emotional outbursts. I tend to do stupid things to aggravate situations. I create problems that weren't even there to begin with but were all in my head. I write my problems in public without being discrete about who i'm talking about. Without thinking that all the things I write about would backfire upon me.

"Why the hell did I do that? Was it necessary? Why was I so stupid? Why did I allow my emotions to get the better of me? What was my brain doing in the midst of all this???"

Do you ever just stop to reflect upon the things you've done in the past and think...
If only someone told me not to do it. If only someone was there to tell me the consequences I would have to face. If only.



***

I'm not saying that I've grown all wise and won't make stupid, impulsive decisions in the future because chances are I will when my emotions get the better of me. I'm saying that when i'm rational, i can admit that I was stupid and wrong. I regret my actions. I'm sorry and I learn better the hard way. One thing I know for sure is that I would never ever repeat the same mistakes again.

***

What I need to learn now is 'How to control the crazy'.

Instead of feeling unhappy and keeping it all in, putting up with a ton of shit which eventually leads to emotional explosions OR complain about things that make me unhappy on the spot, to learn to see things from a different point of view. I've grown in such a way that I've gotten used to a restricted view.

Fuck. It's gonna be hard. As much as I wish i could just transform overnight and be a better person, it's gonna take time. It's gonna take maybe several more emotional outbursts. Fuck i'm gonna create more events which leads to regret. Fucking hell.


***

I know some people already think I'm crazy drama and shiz. I won't deny it. I would think i'm crazy ass drama as well. And you can talk. You can talk about the things I've done in the past, the person I was, the shit i've done.

But I don't live there anymore. May it be just last week, a few days ago or even a few hours ago. I don't live there anymore. What's done is done. I can't change it. I can regret and wish I never did those things but it's done. It happened. I screwed up.

The best and only way to go about this, is just to prove to be a better person by showing it through controlling my crazy. To prove over time that I can and will stop because it is good for me.

"For as long as I am focused on developing a better self, i will never be at loss."



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