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November 16, 2012

There are so many things I want to achieve in life.

The most important thing to me is simple. It's to be happy.
No worries, no stress, utter bliss. Happiness is simple to those who knows how to appreciate the little things. Living one step at a time. Got a problem? There must be a solution.
No drama.

Is it really that easy? If so, why don't I remember the last night I was genuinely happy without forcing myself to be? Without having to push myself to go out and meet people. Why can't I just be blissful in the comfort of my own room with a good storybook at hand?

I guess I wasn't looking to being happy. I was looking a distraction from all that's been happening around me. I've been wanting to be happy since 4 years ago when I chose to dedicate my happiness solely on someone special. So what happened he left?

I want to be who I was 4 years ago before I chose to rely my happiness on someone else. I want to be happy for being me. I want to work happy. Study happily. Be happy. Not work to be happy or study in hope to be happy in the future.

I had someone who made me happy a while back. But the past month had been horrendous for me. It was so bad that it reached a point where I had to tell myself to stop caring so much. To just stop having feelings. And I eventually listened. I'm numb now, i don't feel love, i don't feel sadness. But I do feel a little paranoia and madness. I know this isn't good for me, so I have to go.

I left and i don't ever want to feel that way again. It is a horrible feeling not being able to trust someone you've gone so dependent on. But people change and I've learned to accept that. What I've been through changed me too. I can never be the person I used to be. And I can never love as freely as I did before that's why I gave up.

I guess sometimes no matter how hard you try to be happy by making things right, maybe the best way is to just leave the problem itself instead of trying to fix what's been broken for a long time.

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