Looking forward to a heart reset

December 30, 2023

2023 has been a challenging year for me.

It has been a year filled with so many curve balls that I've never had to deal with in the past 30 years that I've been on this planet. I didn't feel equipped to deal with them. I'm not naive - I know these things happen - you just never know when it is going to happen to you. 

On the 1st month of 2023, I returned to work after the beautiful Christmas break where we were blissfully occupied by our 12 week old fur baby. By 9pm, I was having my first meltdown of the year as I find out that my partner hasn't intentionally turned our bedroom inside out looking for something. No, three strangers were in our home and had borrowed some items whilst we were away. I mean, I was so ready to give my partner a telling off for creating such a mess but I had to call the police instead and as I explained the reality of the situation I had a panic attack. Strange men were just in my home between the intermittent hours that I was away - I like watching / reading thrillers but I have no interest in participating! 

The initial few days after I lived in fear and the rest of the year I spent trying to "wash away" my trauma wounds by giving the house (a much needed makeover). My partner has kindly helped clear the mess after the forensics team left as I was too traumatised to deal with any of it. 

To make matters worse, a week or so later I was hugely let down by my annual performance review by my line manager who was subsequently let go couple months after. This review left a lasting impact on me - it was upsetting mostly because I started reflecting on things that I could have changed to put me in a better position but it would also mean changing who I really am. 

In between the 1st and the 12th month, I did have lots of good moments. I finally had my graduation ceremony which I had postponed due to the pandemic and as a result, had a long holiday with the family and the first real adventure with the fur child. But things did take a quick downturn again, I attended more funerals than before and grieved for my last living grandparent. 

I knew by then I couldn't wait for the final month of the year, what I normally called the "weekend of the year" when we could go away to enjoy our Christmas break! 

By the 12th month of the year, on the 7th of December, I was informed that I am at risk at being made redundant due to unable to meet company milestones (through no fault of my own as I had submitted a promotion with the support of my line manager). Unlike a lot of people who reacted as normal as one would to such awful news, when the news settled in me I could only laugh.  

Is this it? Have I finally lost it or have I reached peak resilience? How can one really tell? 

I found comfort during these difficult times in being the support others needed. I felt like I found my place giving comfort by sharing and understanding the pain of others. So much that I've had colleagues tell me that perhaps I should consider an career change because i listen to seek to understand rather than to push change. 

I believe that this is a huge opportunity for me to seek to better understand myself and learn from my past mistakes and challenges. I think that it has come at the right time when it aligns with my new year resolutions and the past couple of months as my interest in coaching/mentoring/counselling has grown. 

Whilst the future looks really uncertain and unnerving, I welcome the change that is coming in hopes to heal from the blemishes of the past. 

Wishing you all a wonderful and blessed 2024!

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